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I believe self compassion is an important skill and value. It helps us overcome self doubt and harsh self judgement.
But one thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes it’s hard to define self compassion. What exactly is it? Be kind to yourself. Yeah, we know that, but how?
For me, it was not until I read Prof. Kristin Neff’s work that it truly sunk in. She defines self compassion as 3 parts – self kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
Self kindness – Treating yourself as a close friend. Let’s face it, most of us treat our friends much better than we treat ourselves. We’re empathic, encouraging and patience….with ourselves? Not so much. We’re generally much harder on ourselves.
Mindfulness – To be to sit and examine our thoughts and emotions so we can understand why we feel, as we feel and become more comfortable with it.
And finally for me the concept that really added clarity – common humanity.
That as humans we all suffer from pain, which of course we know. However, Neff’s use of ‘common humanity’ helped me to remove my automatic reaction of comparing. e.g I’m having a shitty time, but not as shitty as someone else.
Neff helped me see as the human condition of suffering as more of we’re all in the same group, experiencing the same things. It’s a small distinction, but it was a real internal break through for me.
Also somewhere along in researching and discussing her work – I came across the best description of self kindness – don’t be a dick to yourself.
And, this attitude I believe it crucial when it comes to trying to lose weight or get fit because new habits take time to build.
But most of us, are too quick to treat ourselves harshly. One meal off plan, one day of skipping exercising and we’re all ‘I’m such a failure, what is wrong with me?!”
I’ll tell you what – Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with you.
It’s completely normal to take mis-steps. To take a couple of steps backwards to get that one step forward.
So next time, things don’t go to plan. Encourage yourself, how can you make the next step forward? I mean would you encourage your best friend, by berating them?
Nope. You wouldn’t. You’d have compassion. You’d be kind. You’d be patient.
Do that to yourself.